i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
