God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
