in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I deserve this hangover.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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