The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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