the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
