i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He passed out mid-signature
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
