wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
