im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
