I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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