I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
