My underwear smells like fireworks.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
