she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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