I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
