I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My penis needs a shock collar
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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