I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
