I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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