I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
