Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
