my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just pynch a tree in the face
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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