I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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