Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
