i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
even my farts smell like vagina
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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