You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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