The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
