So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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