He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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