If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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