Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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