I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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