is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
