Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
