i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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