Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
