I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
