we made out on top of his cat.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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