I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
