Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
