Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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