Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
