I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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