Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
