I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
