I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
