this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
