Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
