Ambien. No doubt about it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think your dad took our porno
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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