Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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