He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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