New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
