I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
