i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
