hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
